Fun with the SkyMall catalog

The SkyMall catalog is almost always available to you when you fly, and I was totally baffled by some of the absolutely idiotic products and pictures in it. It's bad enough that they want you to shop while you're on the plane...even at 30,000 feet you can't escape the reach of the Marketing Bastards. Anybody who can't stop shopping even on the plane has a serious problem. But that's not the kicker--it's the bizarre products they try to sell in this catalog. Here are some of the more "interesting" things they don't think you can live without.

Automobile T.V. Radio

Let me guess. Your life is so worthless that you can't even get in your car without checking the sports scores, right? Or tuning into your daytime "stories"? Or tuning into Rosieoprahsallyjessyspringer to see the latest parade of pathetic American trash? I thought so.

Electric Tongue Cleaner

No, they're not kidding. Now, a lot of people brush their teeth to get rid of their bad breath. Then again, others chew gum. Some even take digestive aids to stop bad breath at the source. But there's another breed of bad-breather out there--you know, the ones who lurk in dark alleyways in long trenchcoats, the ones who poison pigeons in the park, the ones who double-park...these are the people who use electric tongue cleaners. Be very afraid.

Fire Hood

You know, this product goes against everything we were taught as children: DON'T STICK YOUR HEAD IN A PLASTIC BAG! And yet, they expect people to stick their heads in this orange sack during a fire. Sure, you may escape death by smoke inhalation...but you'll also likely escape life by air depravation!!

Sterling has this to say about it: "Barry, you forgot to mention the most absurd aspect of the EVAC -U8 plastic bag fire-survival device...plastic melts!! And, when plastic that thin melts, you have a new, relatively permanent outer skin layer. At best, the one fortunate soul to survive the survival device will look like Freddy Kreuger for the rest of his life."

Body Pillows

Am I the only one who sees something strange here? Look at that top picture. See that person lounging lustily atop the cushion? The one with her legs wrapped oh-so-sensuously around it, showing off just a hint of thigh? That's a little girl!! They've got a little girl straddling that body-pillow like some kind of tramp...and in a bathrobe, even! I honestly can't believe this...I haven't seen a child this slutty since JonBenet Ramsey. Then again, maybe those are just some reeeeeal comfy pillows...

Fake Safety Guy

(for fake safety)

Now is that any way to treat your man? I mean, most guys don't appreciate being stuffed into a suitcase at the airport, but whatever floats your boat... I have a feeling the most common use for these things is to cheat in the carpool lane. But there are some other disturbing things about this, such as the thought of women using men as objects. Isn't that wrong? Most women think blow-up female dolls are silly and insulting, you know.

Binocular Glasses

Oh yeah... Holding those prissy opera glasses to your face is SUCH a hassle. No, you'd rather look like a complete dork by wearing a pair of these. Won't your bloated, cigar-chomping country club associates love that!

Self-Cleaning Catbox

You know, it's sad that people choose to have pets but don't want to do the work necessary to take care of them. Cleaning out a catbox is a necessary ritual for any cat owner, and this absurd contraption proves how lazy we're getting. And don't you just LOVE the way they had this cat stick one paw in the box, as if saying "Hmmmm, I almost feel like I could take a dump in here!"

Flossing Tool

What the HELL is this? A special tool made just for flossing! And as we all know, flossing is one of the most difficult skills in the world to master. It's harder than weaving a wicker chair, learning Sanskrit, negotiating peace between Catholics and Protestants, piloting the Space Shuttle, or even sitting through an entire episode of Rosie. Flossing is much too difficult for anyone to try on his or her own, so I personally thank every God in the vicinity for this amazingly useful tool.

Fishin' Pail

You know, if I were a parent in the market for a fishin' pail, I definitely would NOT buy anything that gives MY child this kind of facial expression. Then again, I don't have kids and never will, so what do I care? Next...

Electric Ice Cream Scoop

Similar to flossing, scooping really cold ice cream can be an extremely tough thing to do. I mean, it takes the strength of Hercules and Arnold put together to even make a dent in the average quart of Triple-Layer Chunky Chocolate Ultra Buttery Fat Nugget ice cream. See what the micracles of human invention have brought us? First, the light bulb. Next came the polio vaccine. And now, the electric ice cream scoop. We are truly a species worthy of honor.

Plastic Chair Protector

Oh's perfect for when your kids happen to spill brains during dinner.

Marble Column

Yes, you too can add the illusion of luxury to your otherwise worthless home. Buy one of these big marble columns and instantly transform your pitiful shack into a Greek palace!

Bass Fishing Game

Ah, fishing...the most boring sport known to man, next to golf. Just what I want to take with me on a long, boring trip: a long, boring game.

Electric Potato Peeler

I didn't know peeling potatoes was such a terrible chore. It probably ranks right up there with brushing your teeth or scooping ice cream... Isn't it wonderful to have so many unnecessary conveniences at your fingertips??

Faux Mink Apron

Yeah, now your wife can have a faux sense of dignity while she brings your heaping plate of deep-fried chicken into the living room and sets it on your massive, gelatinous hulk of a belly for your nightly slopfest in front of the television.

Gravity Bike Stand

Wow, imagine that! You set your bike on this expensive gizmo, and it magically harnesses the mystical force of gravity to hold it in place! I've gotta get one of these, and I don't care what the cost!!

Ionic Bath Pet Brush

Um... It's still a brush. Why the HELL would you use ionized air on your dog? To make it smell better? Then prepare to brush your dog every single day for about an hour, 'cause that's what it'll take.

Mahogany Wastebasket

Ah, yes. An outrageously expensive place to put things you no longer want. It should go well with your marble garbage dispenser and your solid gold toilet.

Ionic Shoe Freshener

For the man who has everything, whether he really needs them or not. I would expect rich bankers and insurance salesmen to own several sets of these absurd things. Personally, I'd rather spend $1.50 on a pair of Odor Eaters...but that's just me.

Travel Golf Game

Folks, this should be immediately classified as a SLEEPING HAZARD. Anyone within 20 feet of this thing could suddenly be plunged into a state of utter sluggishness the very second that it's opened. Planes could crash, cars could fly off cliffs, trains could derail in the presence of such a boring game. Petition your Congressfolk and let them know that this item is a DANGER to everyone and must be stopped!!