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Drive-by
slappings. Every hetero needs
to be slapped once in a while, right girls? Well, what are you
waiting for? Slap one at random! Break his sporty sunglasses
if you can. Then RUN (or saunter) like the wind. It will teach
them that we're everywhere, lurking, waiting to strike at any
moment! |
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Heckle
in church. When the sanctity
of marriage is mentioned during a sermon, laugh out loud! When
there is talk of abominations and pillars of salt, ask for a
visual demonstration of sodomy! Ask the preacher if Joseph's
many-colored coat was made by Versace! And don't forget to
visit Sunday School and ask the teacher to tell the kids the
epic story "Adam & Steve and the Great Spitting
Serpent". |
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Engage
in harder-than-normal ass slapping with your manly buddies. Hetero
guys (or guys who put on a good show of being hetero) love
plenty of physical contact with each other. A slap on the ass,
an arm thrown around the shoulder, a big manly bearhug, or
even a good firm handshake...these things typically occur
during manly activities, such as watching football or hunting
furry animals. So just exaggerate these things the next time
they're done to you! Shake his hand tighter and longer than
usual, looking deep into his eyes. Throw your arm around his
shoulder and give it a knowing squeeze. And most importantly,
slap his butt and hold on. Not only will he question your
manliness, but he's bound to question his own as well. |
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Encourage
your hetero friends to give
their children obvious gay names such as Drew, Shane, Damon,
Cody, Seth, Bruce, Rod, Rosie, Janet, Paula, and Ellen. This
will practically guarantee that the children will turn out
gay. Do you honestly know anyone named Seth who isn't totally
queer? It's all in the name, baby!! |
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Pressure
your local colleges and universities
to offer classes such as Streisand 101, Advanced Bette Davis
Studies, Fashion Essentials, Interior Decorating Lab, and
History of Showtunes. Demand that their music programs include
studies of disco and electronica, then offer to take the class
on "field trips" to places like Hole in the Wall and
The Mouthful. (But avoid the elitist snobbery of Club
Universe. That's the last thing you need.) |
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Sue
your employer for discrimination
because it doesn't support your choice to wear leather thongs
and nipple clamps to work. Call it "the suppression of
your unique lifestyle" and get them for every penny. Then
take your new money and spend it on silk bedsheets and tofu! |
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Cut
glory holes in confessionals.
Need we say more? (Yes,
I'm probably going to Hell for that.) |
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Some
nutty non-gay people have certain ideas about homosexuals. They
think we're out to destroy family values, pervert their kids,
destroy their churches, convert their parents, and dress their pets
up in fluffy pink sweaters. Basically they think homosexuals are the
embodiment of all that is evil in the world, working secretly and
diligently to untie the shoelaces of society and watch the chaos
unfold. Well, just between us girls...they're right. We are a vast
underground network of disco fags, dykes, queers, lezbos,
leatherboys, daddy bears, transsexuals, bushbangers, buttslammers,
trisexuals, beastmasters, vegisexuals, and former attorney generals.
Do
those straight friends, family, and neighbors keep dropping by at
the most inappropriate times? Is it just getting too inconvenient
to have heteros in the house, stinking it up with their
unfashionable clothes and cheap fragrances while they watch sports
and country music videos on your T.V.? Then you need a squirt (or
two!) of Straight-B-Gone®.
Within minutes your home will be clean, fresh, and completely
hetero-free for hours on end! Several lovely fragrances are
available: Potpourri,
Godiva Chocolate,
Fresh Granola,
Nightclub Sweat,
and Sweaty Leather.
