10/11/99	Oh, it's you again Your presence fills the air like A fart at sunrise
10/12/99	Just watched "Titanic" And had no intermission My ass hurts like hell
10/13/99	Telemarketers And stinky little dung beetles... Can't tell them apart
10/14/99	Beautiful grass fields Brighten up the city scene Bulldozed for parking
10/15/99	Oh this room smells like A dead platypus rotting Damn you, Taco Bell
10/18/99	Postcard from a friend He drank the water in Spain What an idiot.
10/19/99	In San Diego I got sunburned, it flakes Like the Himalayan snows
10/20/99	Tiny leprechauns Dancing on both my nipples... That's it, no more crack!
10/21/99	Is the glass half full? Or is the glass half empty? The glass is too big.
10/22/99	Maybe we're just turds Floating in the great commode Of the universe
10/25/99	Trying to escape The stench of your coffee breath This is office hell
10/26/99	I took a big frog Up to the top of the stairs Perhaps he will bounce
10/27/99	In the car ahead A bimbo checks her makeup At every light
10/28/99	The drive-thru bonehead Has the brain of a titmouse *SMACK* with my tire iron!
10/29/99	Three dorks in the woods Run from the unseen danger And make millions
11/2/99	Vacantly staring She reads the nightly newscast Peroxide robot
11/3/99	So transparent are All the beautiful people I see right through them
11/4/99	Smothered with cheddar Or dunked in zesty ranch dip Wondrous broccoli
11/5/99	I saw Mickey Mouse Printed on a Happy Meal My cookies were tossed
11/6/99	Whither Michael J.? His pale zombie skin and his Swappable noses
11/9/99	The zit exploded With the force of a small bomb Must clean the mirror
11/10/99	Foolishly I napped With my contact lenses in Now they're stuck like glue
11/11/99	The old man knelt down Clutching a bag of bran flakes And worshipped the squid
11/12/99	They say that bugs are Healthy sources of protein. Oh look, there's a roach...
11/15/99	Floaters are good luck Sinkers are a bad omen Read the bowl with care
11/16/99	(Guest poem by Scott, written in the 7th grade!) When the bomb blows up Your blood splatters all over Leaving a big mess.
11/17/99	Meet Jesse Jackson, The defender of hoodlums Now he is one too.
11/18/99	Maybe those bran flakes Are really just dandruff from Some big hairy guy
11/19/99	Dogs may have owners But those with cats know well that Cats only have staff
11/22/99	Something deep inside Is gnawing away at me Hey, where's my gerbil?
11/23/99	I clicked on the mouse To retrieve my special file It's gone...damn Windows
11/24/99	Something knocked me out On the special day of thanks Good old tryptophane
11/25/99	I'll be out of town For the holiday until Monday. No haikus!!
11/29/99	Why would somebody Say you're the most special, then Shred you with silence?
11/30/99	Steel blood is flowing Through concrete veins as first light Bleeds into the sky
12/1/99	Toasted perfection Smeared with fattening cream cheese O holy bagel
12/3/99	The Christmas robots Now have their shopping orders They'll buy what they're told
12/7/99	What's up with NASA? Expensive probe bites the dust Who's really surprised?
12/8/99	I bought a bagel With onions and garlic, OH! Now my breath peels paint
12/9/99	Single-driver cars Cruising in the carpool lane... Road rage justified
12/10/99	Beware the mullet Lurking on the heads of hicks With peach-fuzz faces
12/13/99	To the gym they go Fitness fascists in action Image is their world
12/14/99	Is it me, or do Crustaceans resemble Gigantic insects?
12/15/99	T.V. church robot Shoots judgments my way, but I Dance on Vaseline
12/16/99	Dinner at Sea World: Dolphin steaks and seaweed stew With tuna pudding
1/3/00	Sixteen hundred miles And twenty-three long hours Many snack-food meals
1/5/00	Crossed the Fremont Bridge Into the hippy village Chai tea, I am yours
1/8/00	Stupid mistakes made In jealousy and heartbreak Stain the soul with guilt
1/10/00	Hot dogs microwaved For a few seconds too long Make a meaty mess
1/14/00	Love's a pesky thing It can stick to you much like Shit to a blanket
1/17/00	One of Randy's cats Yakked up dinner on the floor I suspect Shiva
1/21/00	Not a lovely thought: Your fast food hamburger was Sneezed upon and served
1/28/00	Big round purple tube Mixed with water and fire Smoke begins to rise
1/30/00	Big guys with no necks Have childish fights on the grass Superbowl Sunday
1/31/00	Megatons of poo From the very dawn of time Pushed by dung beetles
2/6/00	It's an addiction That has conquered millions They call it eBay
2/12/00	At Sonja's party Tragedy struck in the form Of wax on carpet
2/23/00	The workaholic Trades his friends for work hours Crater for a soul
3/6/00	T.V. Guide Awards Wasted airtime for groups of Vacuous nitwits
3/7/00	Amazon.com Pays me to work in Toyland It's a Barbie hell
3/15/00	Guest goth haiku submitted by Lydia Arnold: I must wear all black and use all the eyeliner Have you seen my ankh?
4/7/00	Guest haiku submitted by Lydia Arnold: I do hate the mall I wish that it would blow up Why do people breed?
4/18/00	Guest haiku submitted by Michael Chance: so damn annoying bad spelling on a website really berns my shorts
4/25/00	Guest haiku submitted by Janet Streiner: Pretty computers Tasty new colors and shapes Don't affect function
5/2/00	Seatmate on the bus Reeks of cigars and dried sweat I'm trapped in smell hell
5/5/00	Long-legged spider Lurking up in the corner The bastard must die!
5/18/00	Farted on the bus Bus seats do not conceal sound Several heads turned
6/21/00	A dozen yuppies Standing in line at Starbucks Caffeine-drugged robots
8/5/00	I need new haikus I'm too lazy to write them Oh wait, never mind...
8/13/00	Guest haiku submitted by Lydia Arnold: Flowers are pretty Cemeteries have them cheap Me, going to hell?